I need to get a copy of this book. It matches my mood today:

Robert Burton's 'Rhapsody of Rags'
On this day in 1577 Robert Burton was born. Though diverse enough, the title-page of Burton's 1621 masterwork does not give much clue to what lies within, and what has made his book such a classic in the uncategorizable category:

The Anatomy of Melancholy, What it is, with all the Kinds, Causes, Symptomes, Prognostickes, and Several Cures of It. In Three Partitions. With Their Severall Sections, Members, and Subsections, Philosophically, Medicinally, Historically Opened and Cut Up. By Democritus Junior. To Which is Prefixed, A Satyricall Preface, Conducing to the Following Discourse.

If "Melancholy" in the title is replaced by "Everything," and due emphasis is given to "Opened and Cut Up," then the description might just stand. Better would be Burton's other description: "a rhapsody of rags gathered from several dunghills, excrements of authors, toys and fopperies confusedly tumbled out"...

...somewhere in the Third Partition, during an extended discourse on those afflicted with lover's melancholia, is a typical ramble into Burtonmania:

"Every lover admires his mistress, though she be very deformed of herself, ill-favoured, wrinkled, pimpled, pale, red, yellow, tanned, tallow-faced, have a swollen juggler's platter face, or a thin, lean, chitty face, have clouds in her face, be crooked, dry, bald, goggle-eyed, blear-eyed, or with staring eyes, she looks like a squis'd cat, hold her head still awry, heavy, dull, hollow-eyed, black or yellow about the eyes, or squint-eyed, sparrow-mouthed, Persian hook-nosed, have a sharp fox-nose, a red nose, China flat, great nose, nare simo patuloque [snub and flat nose], a nose like a promontory, gubber-tushed, rotten teeth, black, uneven brown teeth, beetle-browed, a witch's beard, her breath stink all over the room, her nose drop winter and summer, with a Bavarian poke under her chin..."

Source: Today in Literature

...I think I know that gal...